- It is most appropriate to include any person of any age who has shared a significant relationship with the deceased in the visitation and funeral rituals. However, children should be prepared for what they will see and experience through an age-appropriate talk with a trusted adult. Young children should not be expected to stay in line for the entire time at a 2+ hour visitation. It is good to make arrangements to have another adult friend with the children while parents are in the visitation chapel or even have that friend take the children away from the visitation after they have had adequate time to view the body, express their feelings and be loved by family and friends in attendance. No hard and fast rules here. Every child's needs are unique. Most importantly, don't leave your child alone or unsupervised during this emotionally charged and difficult time.
- For help talking to children about death and dying, avail yourself of many excellent resources, such as this book Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie (Author), Robert Ingpen (Author).
- Don't wait until there is a death in the family to talk about death and dying with your child. Death — from the maturing of the crops in the fields, the falling of leaves in autumn to the baby bird that has fallen from its nest in the spring — is a natural occurrence in the world around us. Children are naturally curious about death. About the dead bird you may observe, "The bird can't breath anymore. It can't sing or fly anymore. It can't eat anymore or feel any pain. The bird is dead. It's the same way when people die, too."
- Young children are literal and concrete thinkers. As parents and caregivers we must choose our words wisely. A child whose baby brother died of SIDS became extremely fearful of going to sleep. A child told "Grandpa is in heaven where he gets to eat ice cream all the time", started talking about wanting to die so he could go to heaven and eat ice cream with Grandpa — which proved very distressing to his family. I would be happy to assist you in finding the words that might best communicate what has happened for your child.
- There's a program to help prepare your children for the funeral visitation and saying "Good-bye." I taught the STAR Class (Special Time to Always Remember) as an After Care Specialist at the beginning of the funeral visitation, usually while the family was consulting with the funeral director and making final preparations in the Chapel. The STAR Class uses a coloring storybook to teach about the things children may see and experience at the funeral home and cemetery, especially what they may do or feel as they go in to see their loved one in the visitation room. Children also participate in a remembrance craft project and prepare a "Star Message" to leave with their loved one. Make arrangements for the STAR Class with your funeral director.
- Any child old enough to smile and experience pleasure is old enough to experience the pain of grief. Children of different ages and developmental stages will experience grief differently, however. For example, A toddler for whom separation anxiety is a big issue will experience death as a great and irrevocable separation. An older child (8 or 9) may be extremely curious about some aspects of death and dying that are very uncomfortable for recently bereaved adults, such as deatils about what happens to the body. While some of these responses may seem disturbing to adults, they are all natural and even necessary for the child's development and understanding.
- Like adults, children will experience the pain of grief. However, children do not possess the cognitive or emotional maturity to know what to do with the intense feelings of sadness, guilt etc. Children play through and act out their feelings. For example, a four-year old expressed what bereavement specialists would call the "serching and yearning" phase of grief by playing with Fisher Price Little People figures. Two children frantically race to find their dad,(who in real life has died) but he always remains one step ahead of them and elusive -through the town, through the airport, through the parking ramp. Then the child re-scripts the sad ending of the story (expressing his profound wish that things could be different) and dad and two children enjoy a happy reunion at the Little People Ice Cream Shoppe. With a bit of intention and practice, any caring adult can learn to listen with their "third ear" (intuitively) to what children are teaching us about their grief thought their play.
- There are programs to support the grief process of children and youth: Amanada the Panda out of Des Moines, IA, children's services through Cedar Valley Hospice and other hospice programs like Rick's Ray's of Hope serving eastern Iowa. Such programs may offer children's grief support groups, individual counseling services, and/or weekend or summer camp experiences.
- There are risks to children and youth who do not receive necessary support for their grief. Some children will struggle more because they are, by nature, more anxious or fearful. Some are more resilient, and with a little support will do well in time. It can be difficult for a grieving parent to provide all the support their grieving children need. Please don't overlook the needs of grieving children.
- You are a role model. This is a heavy responsibility, but right now the children in your life are watching you and learning from you how to cope with change, upheaval, and the pain of loss. What are you teaching them? It's something to think about.
